Havidol

Do you suffer from Dysphoric Social Attention Consumption Deficit Anxiety Disorder (DSACDAD)? So many of us do. Luckily, the good folks over at Future Pharms have developed Havidol, the first approved treatment for DSACDAD. Check it out here.

For when feeling better just isn't enough...

(Caution: May cause interspecies communication.)

Sex Re-Assignment

Now that Ted Haggart, disgraced Christian fundamentalist self-hating hypocrite preacher has emerged "totally heterosexual" from his 3-week intensive therapy session, I've got a question. If he can be born again, again, this time as a heterosexual man, is there such a service that can make me bi-sexual?

As Woody Allen says, it doubles the chances of getting a date on Friday night. Think how much easier life would be. Is there some miracle worker in Colorado who can get my pendulum to hold steady right in the center of the swing?